Six weekends, zero wins

As it's now after Monday dinner time and neither of us have managed to catch much of the weekend's action, we thought we'd give you a treat and combine our weekend review with C's match review of Monday night's East-West London derby at Loftus Road.

The weekend itself brought a memorable (or less so in J's case) win for Spurs over Manchester United at Old Trafford - a first since 1989, in fact. I managed to take in the game in the pub and I'll be honest, I genuinely thought I was watching match highlights in that frantic three minutes at the start of the second half. In summary, United showed just how much they missed the presence of Wayne Rooney in the first half, whilst at the back Rio Ferdinand looked past it (not for the first time, I hasten to add) up against the pace of Bale and Defoe. Evans looked like he has returned to his bad old ways again after a fairly solid season last season in which he won over several of his critics. I don't really understand how anyone can criticise RVP for his performance (as some have) - it was simply an off day for him and he'll be hitting the net again in no time. Finally, did Sir Alex really say there was 'not enough injury time to win the game'?! The team selection seemed a bit baffling considering it's total lack of pace, when everyone knows that is Spurs main attribute. However to paraphrase Mark Twain 'reports of Man Utd's death are greatly exaggerated'. Don't write them off any time soon.

Liverpool picked up their first league win of the campaign away in Norfolk where they could easily have won by a greater margin but for their usual profligacy. The Norwich defence were all at sea again with Michael Turner and Leon Barnett having a very good go at impersonating the Keystone Cops. It is no coincidence that in the two games that Sebastien Bassong has missed for the Canaries, they have conceded 11 goals. Rat boy Suarez cashed in here as he recorded a second consecutive hat-trick at Carrow Road to leave the locals sick of the sight of him (isn't that the feeling most people get when they see him though?!).

Roundup of our teams

We've said enough about the misfortunes of Manchester United above and QPR below but it didn't stop there for us as Crewe Alexandra had a five match unbeaten run ended by MK Dons. Charlie MacDonald struck after just eight minutes after getting himself on the end of a ball in from Dean Bowditch to give Franchise FC all three points.

Imagine our delight then when our German correspondent told of back to back home wins for 1. FC Union Berlin who emerged victorious in the Brandenburg derby with a 3:1 win over Cottbus. In a bad tempered affair which saw both sides finish ten-a-side, Simon Terodde, Christoph Quiring (who has been something of a revelation for Union so far this year) and Björn Jopek scored for Die Eiserner to rocket them up to 13th in the German 2nd Division. Daniel Haas, a newbie between the sticks for Union having signed from Hoffenheim over the Summer, also saved a crucial penalty at 2:1. Keep it up lads!!

Match Review: QPR 1-2 West Ham United

Sky Sports, the Park Ji-Sung fan club and I were in attendance for Monday night football as QPR took on West Ham in the Premier League seeking a first win of the season. Sadly, the QPR defence were not in attendance, and that's not the first time this week I've said that!

Gearing up for another defeat

QPR started this game as they left off the last - chasing shadows. West Ham came out of the blocks all guns blazing and their tempo, determination and tough tackling somehow caught the Hoops by surprise (you'd have thought they'd have learned from the Reading experience). The Hammers were rewarded for a good start but it was made all too easy for them as Matt Jarvis was allowed a free header across Julio Cesar into the far corner to give them a 2nd minute lead. This was hugely frustrating as yet again we are gifting teams easy goals but yet having to work ten times as hard to score ourselves (which is what you'd expect in the Premier League). The R's were lethargic, lacked urgency and struggled to string more than two or three passes together at a time, and Djibril Cisse was still insistent on shooting from distance, troubling Jaaskelainen just once all half.

The home side's best chance of the half came from an excellent Esteban Granero delivery on 21 minutes which somehow was cleared off the line by a combination of West Ham bodies (proper defending - a 'keep the ball out at all costs' mentality - take note Rangers!). One of those was that of Winston Reid, who appeared groggy as he was escorted from the pitch after being hurt in the goalmouth scramble. 

After a lengthy delay, play resumed and it was much of the same, with West Ham's energy and determination dominating the midfield. QPR were making Nolan, Diame, Vaz Te and Jarvis look like world beaters and West Ham were having far too much joy down the wings with any of the above proving a mismatch against the ageing Clint Hill or Nedum Onuoha (who I felt went on to have his poorest game in Blue and White Hoops yet). Wright-Phillips was just barged off of the ball by Joey O'Brien (another mismatch), Park was ineffective and distinctly lacked his usual work-rate (just like against Reading) and Granero, who has impressed many since joining us, was very frustrating all half (his free kick aside). The Spaniard insisted on dilly dallying with the ball rather than taking the better option of an open pass to a team mate, which allowed the West Ham midfield far too much time to anticipate his next move every time. 

A second goal was only a matter of time but when it did arrive it was thanks yet again to shocking marking. Stephane Mbia, guilty of leaving Jarvis all alone for the first, gave Ricardo Vaz Te the freedom of West London this time around. Perhaps he expected Julio Cesar to deal with the cross but neither player spoke to each other and it seemed that Cesar expected Mbia to deal with this. Under no pressure, the Portu-geezer had time to adjust himself and score from a seemingly impossible angle (afforded that much time, I probably could have, too). Half time couldn't come soon enough and after six minutes of injury time the R's were booed off when Mark Clattenburg did eventually whistle.

Clattenburg clearly decided at half time that he hadn't been controversial enough in the first half, booking just two West Ham players and no QPR players. He returned to the field later than everyone else and started the second half late after prancing around for a minute or two, seemingly determined to influence the outcome of the game. West Ham started as they had left off and did most of the early second half running. Diame had a decent effort stopped by Cesar and that was enough to spark Sparky into making changes. He called Taarabt and Diakite back from their warm up, a shout met by a chorus of cheers from QPR fans desperately seeking a game changer. On his day, Taarabt is exactly that. Brought on in the 57th minute here, the R's side were visibly lifted by the Moroccan entering the fray and a minute later Taarabt turned on the style, something we've just not seen enough of from him in the Premier League. After taking on the outstanding Diame with a confident swagger, he unleashed an unstoppable 25 yard shot into the top right corner of Jaaskelainen's net. Game on! The crowd were back behind the R's and West Ham looked shell shocked. Unfortunately, Clattenburg picked this moment to try to grab the headlines. He outrageously booked Taarabt for celebrating when he didn't remove his shirt (he only lifted it to reveal a religious message). And after letting so many similar challenges go in the first half, he booked Samba Diakite for the first tackle he made since coming on - yes it was a foul, but not worthy of a yellow for the first time it was committed! 

Unfortunately for QPR fans, Samba Diakite is a lunatic. This was the worst time he could have got a booking and knowing the way the man plays, it was only going to be a matter of time before he got his marching orders. However in the time leading up to his sending off, Diakite was calm, assured and offered the tough-tackling, determined, energetic approach that was required to put the Irons on the back foot. For a twenty minute spell, he ran the central midfield and West Ham had no answer. QPR were creating chances like they haven't done for weeks and it seemed they could go on and get the equalise. Clattenburg had lost his head by this point and was dishing out soft looking yellows to several West Ham players, including one for timewasting to Jussi Jaaskelainen. This is an offence that goes unpunished almost every week in the league but to the Finn's defence, he had only done it once and wasn't even given a warning by the referee. With all these soft yellow card awards having occurred, Clattenburg had set the precedent for the level of challenge that he would deem as a yellow card and with the bar very low, a fairly standard Samba Diakite foul was enough to persuade the deluded referee that it was time to change the colour of the card being dished out. I think it was coming anyway, with Samba being the wrecking ball that he is, but no way would another referee awarded two yellow cards for those two fouls. 

Diakite's sending off effectively ended the game as a contest and whilst Clattenburg continued filling his notebook, Carlton Cole missed a sitter which would have put the game to bed and was duly replaced by Andy Carroll. Unfortunately, QPR became more and more desperate and resorted to the kind of hoof ball I'd associate with the opposition manager. Of course, with his side being masters of this game, Allardyce's men mopped up everything that was hurled towards Zamora and Collins and Tomkins were given an easy ride to the final whistle. There was even time for Ricardo Vaz Te to force Julio Cesar into a world class stop from a thunderous half volley - the Brazilian got a firm hand on the shot and tipped it on to the crossbar where it then went out for a corner. Take a bow son! (However, Julio, your homework this week will be dealing with crosses). In added time Clattenburg finally got the accolade his performance merited by booking an eighth West Ham player (no Premier League side had had eight bookings in a match before this game): James Tomkins this time going in the book, presumably because he took ten seconds to take a free kick and was the only West Ham player that Clattenburg could think of that he hadn't cautioned. 

So all in all a massive disappointment yet again, but bizarrely I'm still convinced that we'll come good under Hughes. I'm not expecting anything at West Brom on Saturday (where the home side have won three out of three and have yet to concede), so I think I'll review his position again after the international break when we *might* have a team of competent defenders. 

Man of the Match: Apart from Adel Taarabt who was a breath of fresh air when he came on and just has to start at the weekend in my mind, it was another poor performance all round from the others. Therefore, I'm forced to consider opposition candidates, and I can't look much further than Mohamed Diame, who has looked an excellent piece of business on a free transfer for the Hammers and ran the midfield here. 

What we learned this weekend

- It should be a criminal offence to leave Peter Crouch unmarked from a set-piece, what were the Swansea defence thinking?!

- Petr Cech showed yet again that he is the world's best goalkeeper in one-on-one situations when attackers try to round him to score
-Steve Kean's sacking must have been the most inevitable yet surprising (timing) ever? Why give him over £8m to spend on players exactly?!
- Who on earth will Venky's pick to replace him? Bookies seem to be assuming they have some football sense which they clearly don't